When you become a mum, it is all to easy to lose who you were once were in those pre-parent days… You suddenly don’t have time for girls night or date night (and if you do, you’re too tired to be out past 8pm.) Relaxing baths, bathroom trips in private become a thing of the no children past and you find yourself going days without washing your hair.
After Abigail these days became all too normal. I completely lost myself. I was happy in my new baby bubble, just Chris, Abi and me and despite the constant Pyjama wearing and next to no social life, I was happy. But I was also ‘lost’… Ill add here that fortunately I found my way out of my ‘funk’ and before long I was back to myself, but for so many women this isn’t the case.
Despite Izzi’s hard pregnancy and her ongoing allergy issues I was completely different. Yes I spent a lot of time in my pyjamas, hell, I still do (I’m all about the comfort these days, no one has time for jeans unless they are out and about surely?) Anyway, this time around I was very different. Despite what I portrayed, I was, and still am, always happy. Even after no sleep or one of those really rubbish parenting days that consist of more crappy nappies than you care to wish for, tantrums that could definitely win money if they entered a competition and what feels like 100 cold cups of tea! Even on those days, I loved my life. I loved knowing that every night, as I went to bed, I would wake up the next morning with day of solid time being mummy ahead of me. To be honest, I never thought id be one of those mums who dreams of being a stay at home mum. I have no patience and some days (most) I need a few minutes completely to myself, which as a mum obviously doesn’t happen all to often, if ever. But alas, here I was, with the end of my maternity leave coming ever closer, dreaming of being a stay at home mumma.
Now, anyone who knows me will know that that wouldn’t last too long. Despite my love of pyjamas, sofa days and preserving as much energy as possible I do need something to keep my more than just mummy (hence why I started this blog a year ago) so the dream of being a stay at home mum was short lived, not just because of my sanity but because, well, money. During my mat leave I started my teaching assistant diploma and when the return to work date became closer I started looking into roles within Special education. Long story short I was very lucky and as you all know, I started my new job a couple of weeks ago. This wasn’t without 2 weeks prior of sheer panic, anxiety and fear at leaving my babies 5 days a week. I was horrible and I wont deny that a few times I nearly declined the job offer. Going into a new role obviously comes with its unknowns, will I like it? Is it for me? Am I making the right choice? etc etc and luckily, so far all those questions have positive answers. Again, this is something I never thought id say but I really do, and I really am loving having 7 hours a day where I am more than just mummy. Suddenly I have something that isn’t just for me but is something I enjoy and we all know that that’s something that us parents need desperately.
The journey of giving birth, maternity leave and returning to work is a pretty vicious cycle. You go between feelings of completely contentment to anxiety and fear and then it flings back around again and again until eventually you find your happy middle. The line where your family are number 1 and you are also number 1.